Without a doubt one of the greatest encumbrances to the health and longevity of our relationships is the balance in the relationship between self protection and extending our self to promote the relationship.

Togetherness

Also in a “perfect relationship” we would take steps to foster the relationship. We would mull over the needs and weaknesses of the other, we would spend time cultivating common interests, working through conflicts in a sensitive ways and compromising on many levels for the greater good of the relationship.

Detachment

Preferably in a “perfect relationship” we are able to protect ourselves by being able to say no when we need to walk away from conflict, go outside the relationship to meet certain emotional, intellectual, and friendship needs, or just be free to pull away temporarily to nurture ourselves.

Our relational responsibilities

This is basically a personal responsibility issue. We all have a commitment to be as healthy as possible and when we choose to forsake healthy behaviors we cannot meet other obligations. The bottom line is whenever your own well being is in direct contrast to fostering a relationship you are out of balance and you and the relationship will inevitably suffer.

This is without a doubt one of the dynamics most commonly wrapped up in my clients lives no matter what other issues they are dealing with. If you were not raised in a family (and many were not) that taught personal self-care as a good and healthy thing this may be foriegn to you. For example:

-It is good to step back from a relationship when you have become a sounding board for a habitual whiner.

-It is good to say no if you can’t freely say yes.

-It is not good and healthy to have a personal policy that always puts others needs before your own.

-It is good and even imperative to remove all support from someone who is engaging in self-destructive behavior.

In some families obligation to one’s self is seen as disloyalty or disrespect. Where openly speaking your mind is considered rude and unloving. It can be difficult to begin bring balance to these situations. But across the board to achieve a healthy meaningful relationship with anyone means finding the balance between fostering self-care and nurturing the relationship.

Out of balance

If we make a mistake on one side or the other the relationship will bear. Whether we become personally distressed because the relationship has taken too high of a priority and we become unhappy and drained, or we detach to such a degree the bonds of the relationship begin to erode and weaken. Maybe it no longer meets the needs commonly associated with a healthy relationship love, connection, shared activities, emotional support etc.

Could your busy life be the cause of your child’s temper bad temper? When baby has a meltdown or a toddler has a blowup, we often lay the fault on everything. But, could the increasing number of tantrums be much less physiological in origin than we would care to believe? Are we guilty of being more attentive to our children when they are bad than when they are being good?

No doubt that illness can make a baby irritable and ill tempered. We all have had the unpleasant experience of being awakened from a sound sleep by a child screaming from the pain of an earache or some other physical problem. These episodes are completely unrelated to the garden variety temper tantrums that might result from a parent interfering in some delightful activity that might be causing chaos like spreading peanut butter on the wallpaper.

It’s explicable that your child would be unhappy under these circumstances, but what about those times when for no reason the temper crabbiness burst forth for no reason? If there is no illness or unwanted reprimand to blame it on, what could be the cause? Perhaps the root of the problem is found in the behavior of the caretaker or parent in charge rather than some underlying condition on the part of the child.

Modern parents have a lot on their hands. They want a career with the money and accomplishments that comes with it as well as a warm and loving family. Sadly, neither careers nor families can flourish under these neglectful circumstances. Unless the family is nourished and tended there are a number of things that may go awry. Temper tantrums are often a manifestation of a child that is feeling lonely or uncared for. Put quite simply, the child is acting up to get more attention.

I have seen more than one case where a smiling, sunny tempered baby turned into a very angry behavior problem because mom and dad didn’t see the warning signs. A mild mannered baby was taken for granted and virtually ignored. At some point the child began to think that the way to get more attention was to whine. Parents are encouraged by childcare experts to overlook occasional whining so when a low level complaint is not heeded; the volume goes up until the whine becomes a scream or a temper tantrum on a grand scale.

Once things go this far, the fix is not an easy one. It is far easier for children to be given the praise and attention that they long for for being good than to have to deal with temper irritability and learn how to handle them later.

How to choose the best better half for life? Let’s use the investment

I’m a fan of Warren Buffett, the world’s greatest investor. He took $100 and turned it into a multibillion-dollar company. In the latest Forbes “richest people” list, he was declared the richest man in the world.

This is admirable, of course, but it’s how he got there that has always interested me – things about his personality and character.

He’s known for his cool head about investing, and for sticking with companies he says he “understands.” He avoided the NASDAQ rush, and instead invests in such companies as Dairy Queen. He’s been known to hold interviews there; he likes the place.

Yes, I have eaten in fancy restaurants and had my share of ganache. However, DQ has the chocolate malt I searched for my whole life, so I stop right there. I know what I want, and look for substance, which is what I think Warren Buffett is all about.

I recall Julia Child being asked what were the best French fries, and her reply blew us all away: McDonalds’. Wouldn’t you agree? I do; when they’re freshly fried.

Somehow we feel better when Julia Child gives us “permission” to consider McDonald’s French fries so good. There’s something a little shady about getting the “best” for pennies. We doubt our perceptions. And this is where Buffett’s “cool head” comes in. It’s emotional to be in doubt about naming McDonald’s French fries “best” because they’re fast food. If we do, we are outthinking ourselves, complicating things, bringing in emotion. Likewise if we don’t trust our own perceptions and have to ask an expert, like Julia.

I’ve often used Warren Buffett for examples of emotional intelligence, i.e., being able to manage your emotions and avoid self-sabotage. The stock market is highly emotional, causing individuals to panic, get manic, think and act irrationally. Buffett believes in making a well-thought out decision and then sticking with it. Choose the best. Then don’t worry about the rest. (No, he isn’t into a diversified portfolio. Interesting, isn’t it?)

He also doesn’t do “designer” things like split his stock. He also doesn’t sell out from under his investors. He’s never sold a share of Berkshire-Hathaway, and he’s never split the stock. Buy and hold.

Okay, now let’s apply this investment philosophy and modus operandi to one of the most significant decisions you will ever make: Your Life Partner.

We have all experienced the effects of the 50% divorce rate in the US – give or take some percentage points. We know how important a lasting and good relationship is to our health – physical, mental and emotional. We know these things from research:

· A divorce stresses a man more than smoking a couple of packs a day.

· People who are married live longer and are healthier.

· Toxic relationships destroy our immune systems; therefore our health.

· We need another person to regulate our biorhythms. Not “should have,” or “it would be better if,” but NEED. (Lewis, MD, Amini, MD, and Lannon, MD).

Warren Buffett’s Rule Number One is: Don’t lose money. His Rule Number Two is: Don’t forget Rule Number One. He has often said an investor doesn’t have to be a genius and do a lot of things right, as much as he or she must avoid big mistakes.

Choosing the wrong marital partner is one of the biggest mistakes we can make. Rule Number One: Don’t choose the wrong marital partner. Rule Number Two: Don’t forget Rule Number One.

Buffett has also said, “Investing is like batting a baseball except that you get as many pitches as you want and you never have to swing. Wait for the ‘home run ball’ before investing.”

If you have your act together and good emotional intelligence, you don’t HAVE to marry anyone. You can wait for the home run pitch.

This also applies: “The ability to say ‘no’,” says Buffett, “is a tremendous advantage to an investor. Most investment ideas should be said ‘no’ to.” And what does it take to be able to say “no”? Being centered. Having emotional intelligence. Knowing exactly what you’re looking for. Trusting yourself.

This philosophy isn’t about “buy low and sell high,” and perhaps this should not be your philosophy in relation to marriage either. Why not instead choose the best, stick with it, and reap the rewards.

Buffett has made investments that didn’t work out. “I want to [be able to] explain my mistakes,” he says. “This means I do only the things I completely understand.”

This goes to emotional intelligence as well. If you choose a partner for good reasons – including your intuition (and Buffett says he always trusts his “eyes” above anything else) – and it doesn’t work out, you will understand why.

This is way ahead of doing something without being mindful, without having thought it through carefully. Yes, you are making a decision about romance, a decision of the heart, but its right in the place where emotional intelligence sits – at that interface between intellect and emotions.

How so? Here’s an example. Let’s say you fall in love and you don’t do the intellectual foreplay. You fail to investigate about children, for instance, in this impending second marriage. Once married, it turns out, that you obstinately do not want any more children, while she wants her first child more than anything on earth, including pleasing you.

You see the problem. There is no concession here.

It would’ve been difficult to turn away from marrying someone he was so in love with, but not nearly as painful in the long run – to him, to his children by his first marriage, to his pocketbook, to the woman, and to his self-esteem – as getting divorced a second time over an issue that hadn’t been thought through.

If you both have thought and felt your way into the decision (using your emotional intelligence), you’re mindful. If you haven’t thought it through, when it doesn’t work out you are left struck dumb over the outcome, hit much harder emotionally, clueless, unable to correct and move forward, and worst of all, condemned to do the same thing again. That’s what happens when you’re on auto-pilot.

Another one said his friend told him when he was dating, “That woman will never set foot on your boat once you two are married.” How did the friend know when the other didn’t? Thinking in addition to feeling. Emotions can fog our thinking. The emotion of love is most delightful, most seductive … like the NASDAQ was in 1999.

Remember Rule Number One.

Remember Rule Number Two.

Rule Number One was “don’t marry the wrong person,” because the assumption is you want to marry the right person. Therefore, you must know what the “right person” looks like. Do your homework as carefully as you look them over at bat. Then you’ll know the home run pitch when it comes across the plate.

Instead of planning your wedding on a weekend night, instead have it during the day on the weekend or even on a weekday evening. Most venues and banquet halls charge exponentially higher prices on Saturday nights.

Having a sponsored wedding is a great way to save money on your wedding. A sponsored wedding is just like a regular wedding, however sponsors are used to offset some of the costs. If you limit the sponsors and keep it classy, a sponsored wedding can be virtually identical to a non-sponsored wedding.

Oftentimes, food is a major percentage of a wedding budget. However, that doesn’t always have to be the case. You can easily limit the food at your wedding. Have a buffet instead of a sit down meal. Or to save even more money, you can serve only drinks and desserts at your wedding reception. Although, be sure to indicate on your wedding invitation what will be served at the wedding.

Using silk flowers instead of fresh flowers will help reduce your wedding costs. Silk flowers are normally a little cheaper than fresh and you can re-use silk flowers for years to come. If you enjoy the fragrance of fresh flowers, you can have the bridal bouquet done in your favorite fresh flowers. Then use silk flowers for the centerpieces and other decorations.

Popular wedding reception facilities book up quickly for evening weddings. However, you can sometimes find afternoon or mid-morning hours available at a cut rate. A Saturday afternoon wedding can be a terrific option, particularly for an outdoor garden wedding.

Beautiful wedding favors don’t have to be expensive. You can make your own wedding favors by placing almonds, candies, mints and other treats in small tins and other packages. Truly Wedding Favors offers a terrific collection of wedding favor bags, boxes and tins at cheap prices.

It can be tempting to invite anyone and everyone to your wedding. That said, limiting your guest list is the easiest way to save money on your wedding. The fewer guests you invite, the more money you can save. Limiting your wedding to close friends and family can be a enormous money saver.

Research has proven that employee satisfaction is directly associated to customer satisfaction, and, of course, customer satisfaction is directly associated to return on investment.

Human resources cannot be a function for hiring, firing and appraisals. They are the gatekeepers for employees and have to be concerned with the overall development of the individual.

HR managers need to work with marketing research and learn techniques to find employee needs, similar to the way marketers find customer needs. Then they should cluster employees with similar needs into groups and develop specific employee engagement programmes for each group. They should then market the programmes to employees through the marketing department.

Finally, HR should evaluate the results of these initiatives by thoroughly measuring employee satisfaction, looking at how it impacts productivity and return on investment.

Because employees should like the company more than customers do. That’s because the employee’s livelihood depends on the company. Customers always have a choice. How many customer satisfaction surveys do companies do in a year? And importantly, do they undertake the same number of employee satisfaction surveys?

Companies can definitely make good profits. But profits are better if they do it through employee marketing.

As economies get stronger and people have more choices, loyalty to companies is going to go down the tube. On the other hand, customers are going to demand more and more sophisticated services. That’s because with the kind of branding we see today, consumer expectations need to be matched with what the communication promises.

As a result, employee training becomes more expensive. Hence when you cannot retain employees, it’s a real drain of resources on the company. A new employee needs to be exactly the same, if not better, than the person before. If you do not take care of them, the company stands to lose.

By the time employees are 30-32 years old, they have changed jobs six-seven times. The new generation is not about “am I successful?” They are interested in “do I like it?”

It’s similar to marketing research. We go to customers and find their needs and identify barriers. Then we cluster customers according to the lowest price, best services and so on.

Similarly, when you segment your employee base you can develop programmes for each group and brand and deliver it differently. Some employees have weight-related problems, others have diabetes. Some have very good savings but don’t know how to invest. Others don’t know how to save.

Men think differently than women in terms of savings. For example, women don’t want to depend on children when they grow old and are too concerned about future health problems. Men feel they will never stop working. Sixty per cent of men covered in research had retired without planning for retirement.

Women are anxious about retirement and men are more emotional about retirement. When women are sad, they take more risks than men. When men are sad, they discount it and try to distract themselves from sadness. Since they manage emotions differently, you need completely different employee programmes.

Across the world, employees are all the same. Companies are going to realise that employees do not have just financial needs. They have spiritual, health and financial needs. They have long-term needs. People always want to be valued and respected for what they like to do.

In India, there’s always been this sense of the company being a family and that companies will take care of their family members. As companies grow rapidly, they will lose that family connection. The culture that the US and European companies are artificially trying to develop is naturally present in Indian companies.

But as they are growing, Indian companies have no option but to start focusing on customized programmes for employees. They should then test it by finding out what employees think about the programme and measure effectiveness like “did the programme change employee behaviour?” and so on. Over a 1-2 year timeframe companies should analyse if there was any change in employee attitude, teamwork and productivity. The data will make companies more interested in increasing investments on employee programmes.

Globally, among the Fortune 500 companies, we are analysing what employee programmes these companies run and co-relate that with their rankings. We want companies to realise that with better programmes they have better rankings.

Then companies can afford to pay lesser salaries because they have the reputation of being a big company to work for. So employees feel that in the long-term they are better off in this company even if they have to take a hit in the short term.